I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize