Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
