saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I want her autograph on my taint
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
