Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
