I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
