Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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