seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
