apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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