I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
we're making bets on your personal life
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
