im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
