You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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