I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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