The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
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