I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
