When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
