I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
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