just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
