She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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