You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
