do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
