My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
