I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
