Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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