The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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