We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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