we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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