when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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