If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
