take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
