so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Semen is not good for contacts.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
