Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
