There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
