My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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