im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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