Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
