At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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