Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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