i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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