oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
