Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
