she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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