I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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