11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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