I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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