Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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