The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
