It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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