oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
