I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize