I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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