I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
