What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
