I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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