You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
