So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
