I accidentally had phone sex last night
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize