as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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