Yo dont text me then not text me
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Randomize
