I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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