i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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