I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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