When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
