I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
