I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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