So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
