Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
wat bout pragnant strippers??
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize